Nurse, my sides!

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TRUE !!11!!1!

FOLKESTONE EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Folkestone & Dover in the early hours of Saturday. Its epicentre was in Folkestone. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Folkestone. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Aylesham" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Folkestone/ Dover - oh, sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway.

2007 :: Comment / reply

What am I, a scone?

Spent most of yesterday doing doctory things, had to head down to the surgery and register, see a nurse, fill forms, fill something else, etc. Then much hanging around until I could get to see a doctor. Too much of this was in the waiting room. Parts of Folkestone are bad enough in the day anyway, all the people who are too sick / mental / criminal / lazy to work just hanging about, like in any town (isn't it?). Pop a doctor's surgery into the mix and I can't think of a worse place to be really. Lowlights were an odd woman who had a headache and so didn't go to work and had to tell everyone about it, and then a hyperactive girl of about 4 who was being ignored by her zombie mother. I was in and out of the actual doctor's in about two minutes, obviously keen to get more exciting patients in and earn more points. Him, not me, I don't earn points for seeing a doctor. All he said was "put some cream on it, and come back in two weeks".

I'll leave a little pause here so you can make up your own jokes... Ready?

I didn't say why I was going anyway, it's just some badness on my shin, a patch of dry skin that's been there for months. I thought maybe it was eczema or something, which would be WEIRD for someone my age to be getting for the first time. The doctor didn't know, just said put this cortisone steroid ointment on it and see how it goes.

Sort of sorry for boring you with my medical details like this, but a) I never ever go to the doctors, so this is the most interesting thing to happen to me in a while, and b) if I put medical type phraseology up here then Google serve the more expensive ads!

So, on the subject of google, I think their new google web pages service is up and running fully now, nice easy web page making for people who don't want to learn how it all works, and back on the subject of my leg one last time, should I take loads of pictures of it and then post them up here in the form of a stop motion video like Kosso's done with his beard? Nic P recently had a link to a similar project involving someone growing a beard, go check it out...

More of today's news: At least two people on the train STANK this morning, that's not good. Oh, and yesterday while waiting for my prescription to be made up I took some pictures of some derelict shops in Folkestone.

Got some of my Javascript working nicely on here, I'm using some good ajax skills on my admin bits, will have to find a way to let site visitors benefit from it too. I need to do more on my CSS skills though, might give the site a bit of a design...

Very much looking to tomorrow's dinner at Escondido, but before that we have to shop, in Lakeside, looking forward to that less.

2006 :: Comment / reply